Love Yourself At Your Worst

Anonymous, Guest Writer

Why is it that you must work for a better you? It’s always the same answers like, “so you can love yourself.” How is that.. this transformation into a new you symbolizes the great love for yourself? How is it any different from when you love yourself before any of these changes were made? What do I believe in? I believe that you should love yourself, especially most when you’re at your worst.

Growing up as a big kid led to types of discrimination. Also as a woman of color who loves all kinds of things, caused all kinds of not-so-good things. You see, people like my family usually make jokes about my appearance and weight. They joke around so much that my little mind grew up believing that it was a normal thing to do. It was normal for everyone to joke around about your looks. And I mean everyone, anyone. Adding in, not only was I big but I was quite the strong kid. So strong, or maybe even too strong that I was made fun of for that as well. Girls would just call me names or talk behind my back but when it came to the boys, they somehow viewed me as a threat to them. Coming up to me in groups every time I’m alone, cornering me to where no one can see us.

“Let us test it out.”

“Come on, show us what you got.”

Then there come the ‘jokes.’ That was when I realized that they weren’t just jokes anymore. I stopped laughing along with my family from then on and so did they. It was a serious time and good timing, I was getting stronger and also entering high school. Time to put them to good use and join sports. Of course, did they underestimate me? Yes. Did I prove them wrong? Yes. Did that only make matters worse? Most definitely. Though the journey was something, the new people and deadly conditioning, cold nights, hard lectures. I got through it. All on my own. I lost over forty pounds within those four months. On my own. I could’ve lost a whole lot more but I just kept giving up…

I lost weight but was still “plus-size.” Though it’s always good to trust the process, how did the people react to my big transformation? Did they go like,

“Oh my goodness, you look good! I see you!, Okay, keep doing you!” or was it like,

“That’s nothing to be proud of. That is so unhealthy! You need to lose weight..” I just wanted to give up so many times. “Just ignore them!” I did. What’s confusing is that, even though I couldn’t hear them anymore. There was still that one voice that stayed and never left. The one that has always been there, one I could never ignore nor escape from. Me.

I bled for everyone’s thoughts of me. I sweat whilst knowing it’s because how I look is unacceptable. I shed tears because I hated myself so much. Eventually, it all led me back to the very start.

Those boys have caused me to become so strong, that I am the lucky one, when it was never my choice to be like that though. My family has reminded me countless times that I brought this upon myself. I was so young, it was never my fault. I’ve done so many things for these people to love me, I forgot the most important love I needed from the most. Myself.

Though their words have scarred me, they do not define me. But my response may tell my life’s story. They have called me certain names, and I wrote a whole chapter to prove them wrong. My actions are the page-turners for my chapters. What I do next, is the next sentence of my story. And I am blessed to be given this chance to be able to write my next chapter. For this time, I will not make the same mistake twice and be sure to write down those words.

Chapter 16

Love yourself at your worst.